my so called mind

old grill, old picture

i would like to say that i am okay.
i want to live the life i am meant to live.
dont we all. today i feel like someone has beat
the crap out of my mind. bryce and i have been
attending a new church. we both feel so at home
there. we go to class each sunday for the new
comers. it is nice to attend the class with him.
but today, just as each sunday, i come home feeling
refreshed and quickly one thing throws my mood to the
wind. and i asked him how he can let so many big things
go, but why can't i. he looked at me and said, " you have
too much conflict in your head. and he is right. when
he said "conflict" it was like i melted. the hair on my
arms stood up. he is right.

some days i think i am living in the wrong era. our world
is so out of control, there are few boundaries, kids are
adults, parents are friends. i continue to allow others
words to bed under my skin like a grain of sand that just
bores deeper and deeper. how do i let this all go. how

do i tell someone that they are out of line with out
coming off judgemental or hateful.


i have a new dvd, pema chodron. this week i will try
to listen to it each day. i will work on letting of my
anger go, let words roll off as quickly as they hit me,
i will spend more time with my kids, listening to them
and not worrying about how other parents are doing it.
i will try not to hold b accountable for things that he
wont put an end to. i will handle it myself. [this is a

really hard one. this is very personal and has had
a ill affect on me. after over a year, i have learned
that he isn't going to help on this and i have to let

it go] i can do this!


i will find a way to be happy where i am at and stop
focusing on when i can leave here. i may never get
to go to another environment, so i have to find a way
to be happy here, at least for now.


i will continue to exercise and watch what i put into
my body. i will be mindful of my food and nourishment.
i will take time to reflect. i will work on not allowing/

others negative energy to affect my everyday, my
people, your people.


i will remind myself everyday, that i am worthy,
i can do this, i am blessed. [stewart b. smalley]


conflict + kelly = her so called mind.

....and now from my sponsors, five really good
things that i am going to focus on this week.

new books on encaustic and screen printing
unwired cover
happy comments left.

maybe squam
a husband who always talks me off the ledge.



Liz said...

oh yeah, so much of that (conflict(s)) sounds so familiar, sounds a lot like a voice in my own head... here's to being talked down off the ledge, and to all really good things, oh, and the sponsors too :)

Cheryl said...

brave post
I think many can relate - whether we want to admit it or not
conflict fuels the creative but it can also squelch
the trick is the balance and knowing when to let it go
we all need good luck with that - we all do

I cope with the journey through humor

Kelly C. said...

i know of one more good thing for the list, girl:
you are never alone.

chery's comment is right-on-- many can relate, and you ARE so brave for digging in and doing the work. this is something i have been thinking a lot of lately, since i have been taking a lot of what you might call *crap* from someone in my family for my not being super-stoked on lawyering and my commitment to the 3-ring circus of yoga-art-a little lawyering. i'm normally not one to get angry-- not even a little bit, but phone calls with this person have lately left me feeling a lot of anger. of course this conflict really gets to me, and i think this kind of thing really does get to perceptive, sensitive souls-- it's a hard balancing act to keep the *good* parts of this sensitivity, those that are respectful, caring, creative and passionate, while letting the parts that don't serve us (or the greater good, for that matter) recede into the abyss. i'm interested to hear how you like the pema chodron dvd. honestly, i think that meditation has saved my life.

sending much love your way!

Trish Ryan said...

I'm not sure if this is related, but I tend to be easily wiped out and sensitive when I get home from church. I realized that it's just me "coming down" from all that interaction...with God, with so many other people. I need space to process and recharge. It was a huge relief to realize that the conflicts I was having in those moments were symptoms rather than the problem.

Swirly said...

I think we all have a certain level of "conflict" in our brains (and lives)...the trick is learning how to avoid resisting it. Quite often easier said than done, but I find that the more I allow myself to sink into the experience - the thoughts, the questions, etc. - the sooner they quiet down. Sending you big hugs.

Katrina said...

what a heartfelt post. i agree, brave of you to share your inner "conflict" in this way. and certainly, we all feel this from time to time. i had this epiphany a few months ago when i said to myself "you are allowed to be imperfect" and it was like the world burst open and i had all this space to move around again. i think sometimes we just have to allow our selves to be complex, contradictory, imperfect, big, and beautiful. no matter what.

Jane said...

Happy Wednesday Kelly,

There is one bright spot for you this week...your package was mailed out yesterday :)

I can relate to this post so well. I always long for the days of my childhood where the world seemed like a basic place. There weren't million dollar homes thrown up an inch away from each other. Kids respected their parents. Parents were parents. There was no Youtube or on-line dating. You could go to school without metal detectors. I could go on and on.

It's a good thing to have a spiritual community to go to each week. I've been finding it helps me relax and get centered, even if just for an hour ;)

Jane said...

PS: Thich Nhat Hanh has a wonderful book called Anger: Wisdom for cooling the flame. You can check it out here:*listing*cover

mati rose said...

oh my gosh lady, i cannot believe you are so beautiful and young and have a daughter who could be working in SF! that would be awesome:) come visit and play with me!!!

mati rose said...

and now i just read your post and it was doubly beautiful and real. i get the inner conflict. and i wish i had a book on encaustics!

The Dream said...

Great post, Kelly. So glad that you feel at home in your new church community - what a gift, right?
Conflict - I agree that we all have some conflict going on. The only way that wouldn't be the case is if we were cloitered away from all other humans. As long as I keep LOVE at the forefront and not get too rowdy on others, then I can remain healthy in the midst of conflict. Not always easy to do.

Linda Woods said...

In moments of conflict, anger, frustration and in moments of joy and bliss, Pema Chodron's words are always with me. I hope they help you, too! :)