bless my soul *[ b ]

b and me, st. louis - april 2007
i honestly don't know what i would do if b wasn't
in my life. he is my rock. and right now i need
a big rock. i am sure there are days he gets tired
of being that rock, but he sucks it up and keep
me on the right road. he is conservative and i tend
to miss the path. i am the one that leaves the
path too look at the flower in the middle of the
field, or the person walking by who i think i recognize.
i tend to get off focus, he is always focused. i live
in the creative mode, he lives in the prepare for
tomorrow mode. i love color, he could care less.
i lead with emotion - he with his practical thinking.
i cry and he looks and me and says [what on earth
are you crying about] and most days, i need that.
i am really beginning to wonder if i am going to be able
to maintain this creative path. i lost a big job
recently - i couldn't even tell bryce for 4 days. i was
embarrassed, worried and actually pissed off. pissed
off because, i did everthing i was asked to do. as far
as i am concerned, i was brought in as a buffer - and
when it didn't work, they went back to the old way.
now i know why i need contracts. i am tired of being
considered the clean up point. i am tired of being stepped
on and i am really tired of feeling second rate.

i have fallen behind, because i am constantly taking little
jobs that carry me through - but end up costing more
that what i can possibly make $$. i am the independent
designer, i have a lot to offer - but in this world of bullshiters
they go with who ever plays the part. i don't play the part.
i am not bells and whistles. i will not sell my soul to the devil.
i have been painting and finishing up my website. next i will
be photographing my originals for prints, and getting more
card designs finished for my site as well. my etsy site is waiting
too. but trying to get this all together and working on designs
jobs that pay the bills, trucking my kids all over town, cooking
dinner, helping friends, walking delilah - wow....i am pooped.

needless to say no much left over for me. and so, i need to
find the road of staying on point, and feeling good about the
blessings and talents that i have been given. today - i am not
feeling good about any of it. i am very fragile and i am going to
take a bit of time to embrace that. ignoring it hasn't worked.
so what the hell - i will try it this way - what can it hurt.

the funny this is - as much as b is my rock. i know that i am
a rock for others. and i am blessed by that. it feels good to know
that i have made a difference in others lives, that my kids learn
from me and that b loves me. so for today, i will make that enough.
if anyone has any advice or ways that you stay focused with your
creative career...i am all ears. in the meantime, i am going to make it
goal to finish [creatively self-employed] i am sure that the stories
kristen shares will put me back on the path!



Michelle (a.k.a. la vie en rose) said...

hang in there sweet girl! your art is amazing and you totally deserve to be living out your creative dreams! remember--the world needs YOUR voice and YOUR vision. baby steps...

Kim Carney said...

oh gosh Kelly ... I can soooo identify ... and symphathize! I am sorry, but happy at the same time that you have a rock, a family, a path that you intend to follow. Being a working mom is a very, very challenging. Being a working mom with lots of creativity, is well, our own little hell we need to figure out! I am sending BIG HUGS YOUR WAY. Maybe we should join forces! ;) XOXOXOXOXOOXOXOOXOXOXO Kim

kelly rae said...

kelly, your art is amazing. keep going. i do understand a bit of the frustrations. sometimes it feels like two steps forward, one step back. i love that you have such a sweet, solid suppot in b. the two of you sound like such a team! hang in there. the creative life is yours!

Colorsonmymind said...

Ah we are very much like you and your husband-he the rock me the emotional creative one.

I am sorry about the job. I think a contract is really good to have-but man I can't imagine myself asking for one.

Your art is so fabulous. You will find the way that works best for you.

I keep telling myself that as well. I have been feeling crazy lately trying to balance it all-the house-the kid (and I only have one) the business. It is alot to do but I can't see myself happy without doing it.

I am so sleepy I hope I didn't ramble too much.