bobbers

i need to wake up! open the creative
gates and put my brushes to the canvas.
but i don't. i get so bogged down with daily
life. i can't seem to focus on anyone thing.
i struggle to fall asleep, so that by morning
i can barely get out of bed before the kids
get ready for school. oh to be the beav's mom.
you know the lovely, always prepared, always
rested june cleaver. i think june was a huge
valium abuser. is anyone that together.

i have so many ideas in my head. i have many
sketch pads, journal, paper clippings strewd
over my house [full] of thoughts, ideas....
why can i not bring them to life. i yearn
to find my own style. it is painful some days
feeling that sensation move closer to reality,
only for it to slowly sink back down. its like
when i was in labor with cheri'. i would push
and breathe, push more....rest. as soon as i
would rest she would slip back up. the anxiety,
the waiting, the nervousness.

my family is so supportive, they believe in me and
sometimes, they think it is so easy. when i mention
that i think i might do this, they always say [ so do
it]. SO DO IT. three simple words. okay, so where
do i start, who do i send my art to, who do i seek
out as an agent. how do i not look like everyone
else. where does the fresh come in? if i could
just DO IT...my design would already be in stores!
i would have a booth at the stationary convention
in NYC. i love them all dearly, but is it really that
flippin easy?

i feel like i am in the middle of a lake and cant
get to shore. my chin is just above the water
and i am bobbin ever so slowly in the water. just
like the ole red and yellow bobbers that my dad
used to attach to my cane pole.

i need to focus on a couple of things, but i like to
try everything. never becoming really good any
one technique. ohhhhhh i hate feeling like this.
i know that i am so blessed in my life. but i always
feel like something is missing and i know it has to do
with my creative self.

but where is it