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6.22.2007

today



today...i wish i had the ability to write great,
inspiring ,insightful things. my mind is full of
thoughts and views, but to get them down
- here, seems
to be impossible. from my head
to my fingers
something gets lost, jumbled,
confused. i get
frustrated with what i say
here, i don't think it
makes sense. i have a
dear friend whose husband
is extremely
smart. actually i am surrounded by i.q.
freaks. i am married to one. i wasn't blessed
in that way when i was born. -sorry back to
the story, he corrects my grammar and
actually
i love him for it. his wife is mortified
when he
does this, the only problem for me
is that my brain won't allow me to store it.
i have no short term rention, which sucks
because i love to read - studying is not a
pleasant thing for
me and never was. for 2
days i have done nothing
but have crying
spells. for a number of reasons,
jobs have
hit me again. 5 big jobs all at once and
i have
to get them done, who know when the next
will come in. kids are home for the summer, we
did
great for 2 weeks - but this week, another
story. bryce is teaching summer tennis and
driver's ed.
this week our lives has spun out
of control. i feel
used up, chewed up and spit
out.

today...
i am feeling this urgency to move
forward, but it seems like all my limbs are
being tightly held. i
feel like the time is now
to jump and find where
i fit in - in this world
of art. ihave so many ideas spilling out of this
crazy mind of mine, but nowhere
to go with
them, no time to get them on my canvas
full of
colors. i do know there is a place for me out
there,
but finding the time to research, that is
the kicker!
sometimes bryce gives me that look of well just do
it - i think he has a sick need to get
his pretty
little face smacked. easier said than
done. it is
the end of june and we have sat on
our deck once
this summer. now that is craziness!

i truly apologize for having a crappy attitude today.
with all the suffering, illness and abuse out there,
i sound like a blubbering spoiled baby. but this is
where i can vent, i needed to get it out. i need
to stops the @#$#%@% tears.

i do know where my blessings lie......
my retreat, my studio
my friends who make me laugh uncontrollably
nick coming to give me a big hug [he had
just been with c in paris]
my growing garden
and the 5 housemates who some days just
about send me over the edge.

cheerio.....

5 comments:

Cayden said...

I came across your blog from a friend's blog. I had to comment because I am having such a day as well and love how you worded how it feels. I also really love your beautiful art. Good luck on your new work projects!

Angela said...

Wonderful post! :) I think it means alot that an artist can go to their studio and be by themselves and think. It's truely a blessing. You are not alone. I want ya to know that.
*HUGS*

vineeta said...

i saw you from decor8. It takes a lot of guts to try and say what you feel like this out loud to the world- when i feel like the way you have described ( & trust me it happens more often than i like it to)i cant bear to even speak for fear of exploding, crumbling, into a heap of nothingness. & today when i am in a better mood- i feel i can go to the roof top & sing for the world :)so keep doing what you are doing. hug yourself in your mind. tight. and keep at it- your studio, your work & if not, just be- do some cleaning, listen to some songs, just cry- cause its important for those tears to come out. i always feel hugely peaceful after i have had a HUGE waterworks session :) my loved ones are amazed :)

Cre8Tiva said...

kelly...some are blessed with left brain abilities...some right...you are so special...your writing is beautiful, honest, and charming...your art is also...you were created to be exactly who you are...you are beloved as a child of God...believe...blessings, rebecca

melanie said...

Kelly, by all means girl, let it out! It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now; schedules can get so crazy this year!

I hear you about finding self-confidence and wanting to find a place in the world of art. i am going through much of the same right now.

go do something for you -- run or shop or get a coffee or go for a long drive by yourself or whatever gives your soul a little lift. And give the grammar nazi a dirty look the next time he corrects you -- I have someone who does that to me and it drives me crazy. life is too short to jump on someone about ending a sentence with a preposition or using a double negative!!

the most important thing is that what you do, what you say, comes from the heart! you are amazing, please keep telling yourself that, over and over until you feel it with every ounce of your being!!! hugs to you! xo