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9.02.2008

..crap that bogs the life..


my brain spins....
not sure where i will end up with this post. today my
mind is full of chaos, things i wish weren't there, floating
around - banging into each other like bumper cars
at the fair.
last nite i got out of bed at least 4 times, to check my squam
checklist...do i need sheets, should i take a rain coat. do
i even have a rain coat, where the hell is that flashlight
and i pray someone didn't run down the batteries.
..chaos..

i have a friend that calls this monkey brain. gotta
go, got to swing - branch to branch, back and forth.
this summer - oh this summer. a huge disappointment.
we have not planted one flower, no garden. no lawn
cushions, no tiki lanterns or cookouts. my yard seems
baron. i need color, i need the cool breeze on a summer
nite on my face. we haven't even had friends over for
a cookout. not our normal summer

..swing, branch to branch...
too many obligations, too many jobs coming in
at odd times of scheduling [odd way to put it]
all we did this summer was work and do things
on weekends, that weren' t ideal summer fare.
with all of this comes so many other branches that
i swing back and forth too. dear friends who are
struggling to keep it together. where is our place
in this. when do we step in and say, please - let
us help.
we, as humans, have such a desire to be heard.
our feelings must be validated, justified. and
yet as we cry out. we tend to make terrible
decisions, hurtful decisions, that change our
whole course. why. why are we so self-destructive.
i am constantly amazed at in our nation, our generation
of information. we have every self-help, diy book
imaginable....yet - we still make decisions that are
so hurtful. how is that. ah yes, the whole human
factor. doctorates, masters, bachelors.....further
education. yet - it doesn't make the heart any
smarter, wiser or forgiving.
no no...for that we must dig deep into our character,
our soul and remind ourselves that sometimes,
we have to put the other in front of our own
desires, our validation.
one other thing. school is back in session. b is back
in the middle of fall athletics. some days, i just
wish my husband had another career. our town
is so small and it takes two seconds for the word
to hit the street. only this time, i heard it first.
and the info weighs heavily on my mind.
..chaos..
i so want to get through this week, box up all my
artwork and supplies and get on that plane. to
sit and paint, talk, dance, giggle and learn. to
meet a new dear soul, running into another friend
face to face. no emails back and forth. just sharing,
creating - growing.
mmmm.....wow, the mind is slowing down and i am
feeling calm.
thanks for the ear!

10 comments:

Kim Mailhot said...

you had my ear ...so feel the same way about this summer...how about this for sucky - I live in NH but can't afford Squam right now !... by the end I was taking a deep breath and wishing right along with you that I could jump on that same plane... I know so many who would love to get aboard...
Here's to a life less chaotic !
Cheers,
Kim

Jennifer/The Word Cellar said...

I call that state of mind the hamster in the wheel. She lives in my head and runs round and round and round on her little wheel, furiously scampering to nowhere, desperately trying to get somewhere.

Nina said...

Sometimes it is good to know we are not alone in our chaos. Thanks for writing this, I am feeling this myself.

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Cheryl said...

Hey, right there with you. Just when I think, okay, I've seen it all. Then someone you know - love - trust goes and blows your mind. Our summer was very much the same and although I don't blog it, mostly it was about culling through the crap in the wake of some else's very poor choices. Not sure any of that makes sense. Even less sure that it matters. Just reaffirm, as someone else said, you are not alone.
Hang in there!

Liz said...

Oh yeah... right there with you... last night SO tired, didn't get in bed till 1am, and then laid there and listened to my husband breathe deeply in sleep, whilst I thought about what shoes I need to pack, and if I take my paint in my suitcase will it explode all over the rest of my stuff, and how will the pre-Squam visit with my family go, and should I bring a heavy sweater, or just layers, and shat about those shoes... aaakkk.

My summer too, has been far too much ruled by all the must dos and not enough taken up with the just becauses... oh to just be on a plane on Friday, when it will all be too late to think of all the things I might have brought, or might have done...

Swirly said...

I have been on monkey brain overload all summer...I can totally relate and can't wait to be on that plane next Monday, headed for NH to see YOU. Big hugs.

Jane said...

I hear you on the monkey brain thing. Just breathe deeply. Fall and Winter are on the way...great seasons for hibernating and regrouping.

Kelly C. said...

oh that monkey mind. i know him well. your post is such a familar state. sending you peace, my girl. deep breaths. and peace.
kel

Beth said...

ahhh, that's what I call it...at least now I have a name for it !!!

so this monkey brain thing has been hanging around too often this summer for me, too.

and now, with the same thoughts that you are having....shoes, jacket, layers, hat, scarf....umbrella maybe....YIKES, my brain is on overload.

With the weather changing, I think we will need many layers....and ummm, I don't do layers very well after living in indiana for 8 years...uh, nope, no layers for me.

so I think too much, I add to my pile, I take away....I add another pair of shoes {just in case}

but SQUAM here we come...monkey brained woman who can't wait to get there!!!!