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2.06.2006

mothers and daughters


...vinegar and oil
...black and white
...somedays my relationship with my mom is like
me trying
to squeeze my size 12 butt into
my size 8 jeans - it just don't fit.

what is it about mom's and daughter's. my mom has
been stopping by on
monday mornings after her swim.
it has been nice, we really don't get to see each other much.
we talked for about
a half hour and the next thing i know she
is in tears. she begins to say how painful it is for her to see
my unhappy. [i am not unhappy]
she doesn't understand
why i have low
self-esteem [i don't either, but i know it is
something
i have to work on everyday]. she thinks it is
because she starved herself while she was pregnant and she
only gained ten lbs and that this affected
my chemical makeup.
[i disagree]. the whole time my head is reeling with questions.

wondering what in the hell i said to upset her. she is crying
and the things she is saying are really upsetting me. it was like
a bad train wreck. i love my mom very much, but i will be honest,
she drives me nuts. the things that i don't like about myself
are the same thing that i don't like about her. we are moody,
we can be set off easily. we feel deeply. and as she is
giving me all of this grief i am thinking - jesus, you are talking
about yourself. but my mom is 65 years old. i don't think
she can handle what i have to say to her. when i do try to
be honest about any subject, she get very nervous and shuts
down the conversation, because she can't handle what i am
saying.


i grew up in a very close knit, strong willed family, traditional
family. my mom and i weren't especially close when i was young.
i was very attached to my dad. and i have realized that if i
want to be close to mom, then i was going to have to include
her more in my life. and i did and it got better. but as my
parents grow older, my once young at heart parents are getting
old. they bicker constantly. my mom has always taken the back
seat to my dad. he makes the decisions, pays the bills, calls the
contractors, etc. she doesn't like it when i call my husband out
about something. i think she equates this with an unhappy marriage.
but i have learned that if i need something from my husband, i need
to tell him. i am extremely independent. i don't need my husband
to call a contractor, to pay my bills [eventhough he does], i can take
off for the day and drive wherever i want to go and i like it that way.
and i can't stand it, that my mom is so dependent on my dad. i
consider it a weakness. and this, as i said earlier, goes very deep.
i won't bore you with all of the whinnie details. i just need to
vent.

i am so angry at my mom at the moment. this happens all the time.
she wants to discuss something, but shuts me off the minute she
is uncomfortable with the details and i have told her this. today
i said to her, that she can't come to my house and expect me to
be someone i am not. i won't conform to what todays world thinks
a woman should be. life is dirty, it is scary, dark and somedays
rather gloomy. but i know this and i am okay with dealing with
it. i am not a morning person, so don't come over in the morning.
don't ask me what i think and then be upset because i am honest
with my answer. don't label me when you have no clue what my
day has been like. and don't, don't assume there is something
wrong - when there isn't.

messy messy messy. my mom left in tears and i was left trying
to figure out my part in this whole thing and how i am going to
move on and not be really angry with her.

on a lighter note, the opening superbowl act should have been
the half time extravaganza! wow...i could have watched stevie
wonder and his crew all night! too bad the ads were so weak.
although there were a couple decent ones.

sorry this has been so glum, but it does feel good to blow
off a bit....

oh happy monday, everyone!

6 comments:

la vie en rose said...

so sorry to hear about your morning. i think you're right when you say that your mom is talking about herself. it sounds like she is projecting her issues, her unhappiness, and maybe even her guilt on to you. of course that doesn't make it any easier to tolerate. not a great start for your week. blah! it's hard to be honest and open when the other party is scared and closed off.

artjunk~ said...

wow, I thought you were talking about my mother!!!! it took me forever to figure out that I was angry at her! You seem very in touch with what's going on and that you are able to separate out the issue at hand. The reason I wrote was to say that there are others going through all this, my mom "drives me crazy" sometime too but we love them and it's good to get it all out and vent and move on with it!

Smed said...

I understand that idea totally. My Mom ruled our roost for years though my Dad made the money. She made all the decisions. But my fam has been the Bickersons for quite a while, and it's worse now that Mom can't hear and refuses to get hearing aids. It also is a different era - my parents learned that the hard way with MY life, for sure.

My biggest fear is that I'll get fired, kick a baby dinosaur and have a Mammoth step on me...

Colorsonmymind said...

I lost my mom a few years ago but when she was alive we had a very similar dynamic. I couldn't visit with her for more than an hour or so without one of us getting tense or upset, yet we loved eachother very much. Not the easiest relationship-actually it was one of the toughest.
I admire your ability to see things so clearly.

Anonymous said...

Wow Kelly....your relationship with your mom sure sounds alot like mine! My mom has a tremendous amount of guilt in having stayed with a mentally ill husband. Of course i've been in therapy around that. My mom will often revert to guilt but saying that soon she'll be dead (she's 71) and then i'll be sorry i didn't spend much time with her. Actually i do spend a fair amount of time with her howevr i do have a life. Like you my mom doesn't really understand me and would like to change me or is mortified by the answers i give her.....Lately though i've begun to accept her and in doing so she has changed. Maybe that's the ticket kelly!

Love and hugs,
Violette

Kim Carney said...

try living in the same house with your mom ;0 I love mine as well, but at 49, I am still listening to the same crap I heard in my teens. She was telling me to clean up my room the other day and I said, uh, mom, I don't need you to tell me to do that. She pouts and gets upset if we don't 'visit' often (talk) and we live in the SAME HOUSE, how can we not visit. I am sorry you are having trouble with yours! I think it is the daughters lot in life - or is it? (but I would not change us living together for anything!)