it's friday....amen!
this week have given me a swift kick in
the ass. i am wiped out and am dreaming
of a long nap this weekend.
yesterday when i opened the mailbox, i found
a card from a friend. inside she wrote...
[ i miss your friendship]. she lives one block
from my front door. it made me cry.
i have realized over the last year, that although
i have began my freelance journey - i am not
any less busy. i think i have more on my plate
now then when i went to an office everyday.
it truly is a better busy, but i have found that
i still can't say no. i am still pulled from many
directions. and since i have began working from
home - looking back on the year - i have
distanced myself from so many people.
i was burnt out on people and all the crap that
goes along with office politics, downtown politics
blah, blah blah. we live in a very small community
and if something happens, it is spread throughout
the county very quickly. there isn't much privacy
here. few honor others personal space. when
working in our office, i went from a cubicle, to
an office and back to a cubicle. when i had the
office - the door was my favorite feature. i could
close it - when i didn't want to listen in to the
town gossip. not that i didn't sit in on plenty.
but my door became my best friend. when we
had a new employee join the group, i went back
out to an open air office...i cringed everytime i
heard something i shouldn't.
when i received the card yesterday, alot of emotions
came to the surface of my pain. my friend - has become
friends with my previous boss and i know that subconciously
i have pulled back because of this. i know that she loves
me, but they have kids the same age in the same class.
but i had talked to her at length about issues i had
both personally and professionally with my boss. nothing
serious, just occassions where i needed to vent. and
because i trust few here, i worried that their friendship
over ruled our friendship. i knew i was pulling away - and
i just couldn't stop.
i have done this with many others. i am not trying to be
unfriendly - i just needed a break from all the gossip,
and involvement. i don't want to hear things that are
none of my business. it isn't healthy for my psychy.
i hold too much - to close to my heart. and i know
it is hard for people to understand this. they feel i am
not being friendly, that i am not playing the game. but
that is just what it is - a nasty, mean spirited game.
when i opened my card...i was in the middle of writing
a letter to my family. i love my warped little cherubs and
bryce dearly and i truly love the fact that i am available to
them at most any time...but they have began taking advantage
of my presence at home and my letter is titled...
[mama is tired]. you may see me on the news as the
mom who has gone on strike. and soooooo all the babbling
has a point - kelly is tired, as stated in a previous entry
tired kelly = bitchy kelly
i am missing all my painting - i was in a good flow
i am not accomplishing any of my 2006 goals
my studio is a fat mess
i have yet to take on art class
i have got to begin saying no more...on all sides
i will nuture my soul
i must rework my organization
i will make my family read my letter
i will take better care of my physical health
i will take time to nuture my friendships.
i will work on not allowing negative forces to
intrude on my life
i will start participating in my creative groups again
and i will take the time to read, paint and create
because these are the things that keep me sane
in the crazy superficial world.
just babbling again....have a happy weekend
- k
