ode to friday

it's friday....amen!

this week have given me a swift kick in

the ass. i am wiped out and am dreaming
of a long nap this weekend.

yesterday when i opened the mailbox, i found
a card from a friend. inside she wrote...
[ i miss your friendship]. she lives one block
from my front door. it made me cry.

i have realized over the last year, that although
i have began my freelance journey - i am not
any less busy. i think i have more on my plate
now then when i went to an office everyday.
it truly is a better busy, but i have found that
i still can't say no. i am still pulled from many
directions. and since i have began working from
home - looking back on the year - i have
distanced myself from so many people.

i was burnt out on people and all the crap that
goes along with office politics, downtown politics
blah, blah blah. we live in a very small community
and if something happens, it is spread throughout
the county very quickly. there isn't much privacy
here. few honor others personal space. when
working in our office, i went from a cubicle, to
an office and back to a cubicle. when i had the
office - the door was my favorite feature. i could
close it - when i didn't want to listen in to the
town gossip. not that i didn't sit in on plenty.
but my door became my best friend. when we
had a new employee join the group, i went back
out to an open air office...i cringed everytime i
heard something i shouldn't.

when i received the card yesterday, alot of emotions

came to the surface of my pain. my friend - has become
friends with my previous boss and i know that subconciously
i have pulled back because of this. i know that she loves
me, but they have kids the same age in the same class.
but i had talked to her at length about issues i had
both personally and professionally with my boss. nothing
serious, just occassions where i needed to vent. and
because i trust few here, i worried that their friendship
over ruled our friendship. i knew i was pulling away - and
i just couldn't stop.

i have done this with many others. i am not trying to be
unfriendly - i just needed a break from all the gossip,
and involvement. i don't want to hear things that are
none of my business. it isn't healthy for my psychy.
i hold too much - to close to my heart. and i know
it is hard for people to understand this. they feel i am
not being friendly, that i am not playing the game. but
that is just what it is - a nasty, mean spirited game.

when i opened my card...i was in the middle of writing

a letter to my family. i love my warped little cherubs and
bryce dearly and i truly love the fact that i am available to
them at most any time...but they have began taking advantage
of my presence at home and my letter is titled...
[mama is tired]. you may see me on the news as the
mom who has gone on strike. and soooooo all the babbling
has a point - kelly is tired, as stated in a previous entry

tired kelly = bitchy kelly

i am missing all my painting - i was in a good flow
i am not accomplishing any of my 2006 goals
my studio is a fat mess
i have yet to take on art class
i have got to begin saying no more...on all sides

i will nuture my soul
i must rework my organization
i will make my family read my letter
i will take better care of my physical health

i will take time to nuture my friendships.
i will work on not allowing negative forces to
intrude on my life
i will start participating in my creative groups again
and i will take the time to read, paint and create
because these are the things that keep me sane
in the crazy superficial world.

just babbling again....have a happy weekend

- k


BohemeMama said...

i really love the vilnerability here, the level of sharing, the human-ness you share. wow. thank you. sarah elise

d. said...

Kelly: It's so easy to disconnect when you start to work at home. One of the many reasons I decided to freelance was because I was sick of the office crap. I still try to remain connected to my true friends. But it is SO difficult! Just know that you're not alone in how you feel on this...

Shari said...

This is EXACTLY what I am going through...thank you for putting it into words and letting me know I'm not alone in finding some kind of system that works. Good Luck to you!

Shari said...

I meant in TRYING to find a system that works...right now I'm in the tired phase too! But keep in mind, the first step to change in realizing there needs to be one!

la vie en rose said...

thank you for opening youself up to us. i hear ya girl. michelle is just about at the end of herself too.

Smed said...

Kelly. I love you. We (the fam) love you. Come over. Enjoy our madness, as a sidelight to yours!

Kim Carney said...

I could have written most of this ... maybe soon our blogs will mesh into one through some twilight zone-like magic.
Freelancing is so stressful, and juggling all kinds of stuff. but like you I have such a difficult time with office politics, meetings, mumbo jumbo talk to means nothing, some who work hard and some who don't. I am being moved out of my office that I have been in for 10 years, into the newsroom. I can stand the thought that I will not have one quiet place to go and get away, do my work in peace and silence. It is ALMOST a must for introverts to have a space of their own ;)
And that pulling away thing, oh, what is that? I find myself doing that alot? Why, what?
My heart is with you!