life

this game of life, some days about does me in.
as my midnight profile states, i tend to "often lie
awake in bed thinking about the world and
my place in it."

i yearn to find a more creative community, i want
to move to a warmer climate.

i have had many big lessons the last 6 months. and i
struggle to find the middle ground. the ground where
i am comfortable enough to tell someone that i don't
appreciate being stepped on. the ground where i stand
up for what i believe is right. when i don't have this
balance - i carry too much anger and sadness and as
we all know, anger and sadness is like a cancer that
grows quickly, devouring your soul.

i have a new nephew who is absolutely beautiful. we
have cute kids in this family. and they all hold their
own beauty within.

i have struggled with several people this last year. and
because of the close relationship....i walk on eggshells
trying hard not to rock the boat. but i am disappointed
in them, disappointed that we are suddenly cast to
the side of their life. family relationships are hard and there
are some that you know if you say anything, the relationship
will be ruined. i am tired of going to gatherings and
biting my tongue. so where do i draw the line and say...
enough!

the little inner voice wants to scream, all the while the
voice of [don't rock the boat, kelly] is whispering...always
whispering. don't rock it, . that is the voice of childhood.
the voice of reason, the voice that i hate. because - i
need to rock the boat. i need to stand up and simply say...

YOU HAVE HURT ME!

and who gets the brunt of this anger, the one i need the most,
the one i adore, the one i am so mad at that we have barely
spoke for 5 days. but he hurt me. he tells me too often, don't
rock the boat kelly.

the boat needs to rocked, it is in the strong current, spinning
upstream. our families need to know that we don't agree with
this or that, sweeping this under the rug serves NO purpose.
that my kids deserve more. not more as in material things, but
the do deserve to have people show up, they need to be
included.

how do you tell family that they are toxic for you. how do
you go to the school board and voice your distaste when you
spouse is an admin? how do you say....you have got to make
the students follow the rules, we are heading in the wrong
direction. i tend to be too passionate, and as i voice my concerns
or opinions, i get louder and talk faster with my hands flying all
over the place.....this gets me nowhere - so i reserve this for
b, or heather or becky, they get the brunt of it.

i have many blessings in my life, but today i want to wrap
those blessing up in brown paper, bundle them up with white
string, gently put them in the back seat and drive south, south where
it is warm, wear i can walk a beach. were we can embrace each
other, without the stress of making everyone else happy.
and where for the moment i know no one, and i don't have to be
walked all over by people i considered friends and family.

and since that isn't in our game plan, i might just stroll downtown
and gaze in the window where my art will be hanging along with
the alaskan art and be happy with myself that i stepped out of
the comfort zone and sent my art to be juried. and i will hug my
kids when the get home from school today, and maybe toss aside
my hurt feelings and move on from my sillyness with b and ask
him to work to fix it.

peace.....