flaming red rocket....not appropiate for the weak of heart

oliver, our dirty martini...
here is a happy little story to brighten your hump day.

last nite i worked out, played vball and came home around 7:50pm. little ollie
was out in the yard by himself and didn't run to greet me, so i start to head to
the house and realize...he still is laying in the yard. so i go over to talk to him
he stands and then lays down again. i realize something is wrong - so i go in
the house and ask bryce what is wrong with him and this is what bryce " the
mature one" says

"he has a flaming red rocket", very nice shakespeare, thanks for the editing.

so i go outside and he wasn't lying - poor ollie has the perpertual hard on!

so i finally pick him up to carry him into the house and go upstairs to call a vet.
god forbid the city of pets have an afterhours e.r. vet. oh no i have to call
lafayette. so i go to the studio to make the call and the kids ask what is wrong
and i say "he has an erection that wont go down. sir is in hysterics but then
little c says "bryce or ollie" she is half listening, god forbid she stops watching
tv. i said to her "why on earth would i tell you bryce has an erection. sir g at
this point is wetting himself.

so i call the vet, they tell me that i have to keep it moist with water or k.y. and try
to manually manipulate it to go back in. ARE YOU EFF-IN' KIDDING ME"!!!! what
the hell. so i go back down stairs toting my hair dye glove, get a bowl of water
to splash on the said "rocket" and my husband is giggling on the couch like a little
boy, because he IS ONE~!

nothing works, i make bryce go to walgreens for the k.y jelly - which cost $12!!!

i try that and realize that he has something bulbous protuding and it looks enflamed
and just bad.

so i call them again, i call a local vet to see if they have an after hours service
the vet tells me to put ice on it and doesn't offer to see him

so i finally tell bryce we have to take him to lafayette.

they have to put him under to get it in. the flaming bulbous issue was
the gland! so $200 later and back home at 11:30 - that was my nite
how was yours!

***upate*** [little ollie is fine, rocket again functioning in a normal fashion, i am sleep
deprived, but what the hell else is new.]


Robynsart said...

I had a very similar situation when I was trying to breed 2 miniature dachsunds... I was daft enough to think they could figure out how to put tab "a" into slot "b" on their own. I will never do that again!

Sarah said...

Oh, how you make me laugh, Kelly! Not at Ollie's expense, poor guy; I'm glad he's feeling better. You tell a good story, though! (That and there's a middle schooler in me that just comes out sometimes; call me Beavis. :)

Cheri said...

glad you could call me and let me know about this episode!!

Beth said...

okay..honestly, I think I just pee'd my pants a little laughing so hard at this.....

Jamie said...

That is simultaneously awful and totally hilarious!

Colorsonmymind said...

Not only are you f ing hysterical but the picture of him just makes the story all that more adorable/hysterical. You are a wonderful woman/pet woner.

Amy said...

I just laughed so hard I almost peed and then I called all my friends and told them to read this story (because you tell it way better than I could repeat it!)

Poor Ollie, but damn that is funny. Glad my pup is girl, I guess!

Jennifer/The Word Cellar said...

poor ollie! poor kelly! (my fave part of story is when little c asks if you're talking about bryce. ha!

Susan Tuttle said...

This post has me in stitches! I'm sorry to be laughing at the expense of your dear pet. I hope he's feeling much better.

Just like a Viagra commercial for pets.


Juneau.Eco.Mommie said...

my mom had to do that to our childhood dog. She never forgot that little incident. Red Rocket! Yikes

susan said...

oh dear! i had to laugh, but i am sure in the moment(or it was hours really wasn't it?) that it was a terrible mess. what a great story teller you are however and the photo is so "telling".
hope everyone has calmed down - especially OLLIE!

jenica said...

oh my hell. manual or not, that couldnt have been pretty. thank you for making my day with this little morsel.


Jane said...

Damn, that's funny! We once had a cat that was in heat and didn't know it. A midnight vet visit, one bottle of kitty valume and $225 later, we found out she was just in heat :))

Nina said...

Oi ve! So is this something that might happen again? What's the deal? It did make me laugh though sorry...

Katrina said...

oh my god what a story! i was laughing out loud at the absurdity of it all and your family's comments too. oh gosh, i'm so glad the sweet little fur ball is okay! and that you are not too traumatized. great post.

Stash said...

thanks for this, we laughed quite hardily